Ramblings

I never use this blog anymore, but I feel like writing tonight. About what, I am not quite sure, so I shall just see where this goes. I feel like my writing voice is the deepest part of me, but no one really recognises it. Even my best friend doesn't really know that part of me, no matter how amazing he is. And sometimes I'm not sure I want him to; not yet, anyway. Maybe it's just another part of me that is meant only for the one I can give everything to. I kind of like that thought. I, like all others, am a mystery, only to be solved by the one who holds my heart and in whose hands I place my all. I don't know when that will be but until then, no one else will really know who I am. Except for Heavenly Father, of course. He already knows me better than I even know myself, and I'm grateful for the glimpses of my potential that He gives me every now and then. 

I hold myself back a lot. I tell myself that I am no good at something and leave it to those who are openly skilled in that area. What a poor facade for the fear of failure. I know that I can do anything I set my head and heart to, but far too often I tell myself that I shouldn't try. My mind is full of wonderful ideas, thoughts, poetry, art, inspiration. But I am too afraid to disentangle them from the strands of my brain that hold them tight, away from scrutiny or competition. So I hide them away and watch as other people shine, letting them bask in their light whilst secretly wishing I could be as brave.

Every day, I want to do something that helps me grow. I'm tired of being stuck in the same position, content, smiling, but longing to reach higher and achieve so much more. Good grades mean nothing if you can't see what you're working towards. Dreams are just wishes unless you work to make them come true. 

I want to help you be better but I need to be better myself, too. It feels strange writing about you like this. How deep do you run through my veins? On the surface, I love you more than anything, but somewhere beneath it, I'm afraid I'm letting go of something amazing, something more real than anything that we can ever have right now. And it's true, sometimes I am disappointed. Not just in you, but in me, too. I know we can always work harder, but maybe we shouldn't. That's what I'm always afraid of. Maybe we'll keep holding each other back because we just want to stay in the moment, the time that we can spend together, before the uncertainty that comes with the tomorrow. When I think about the future, I definitely see someone but it's not necessarily you. I know that's okay, but sometimes I wonder. I wonder why, and I wonder what I'm missing out on and who is missing out on me.

Does this sound too negative? I hope not. I am a wondrously blessed, joyful soul. I love who I am and what I have to give, some of which I am learning to share right now. But I know there is so much more for me, and I would do anything to get that, to be that. At least, I hope I would. 

I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I don't understand everything yet, but I know that He has made a way for me to change, and that through Him, I can do anything. I think I need to know Him better.

It's rather late, and I have assignments to work on in the morning. I'm not sure why I want this on my blog and not my journal, but I won't question it right now, too tired. Good night x